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The words are dying ;_;

I was in a pretty good mood tonight, just me being all by myself for yet another Friday night at work. Then I had to go up to one of the floors to get a record. One of the clerks pulled me aside, I thought to ask a question about the record I was nabbing. He asked if I was Alexandrian or... and I got all confused. I could figure out he was asking types, and I can see he's an okay guy, but types of what? He points to my pentacle that I almost always wear. "Oh, I, um... I just wear it for protection..." and quickly change the subject back to work so I can work in the words "stat" and "ER" and flee. Nevermind my shyness or fear of people or social anxiety disorder or whatever. I suddenly felt really isolated. I'm a witch without a coven, a pagan sans sabbats. I'm almost weeping, and yet I can't figure out why this never bothered me before. Perhaps it's some sort of lonesome dove syndrome, where I was part of a covey at least with my pool league and even that's now gone. Sometimes I feel like I just wake up go to work, do nothing constructive all night until I sleep and repeat until the weekends. Sometimes I feel that I just want to do that. Nothing. I'm become not anti-social, but sociophobic maybe. I know that a lot of this is my own making, but I can't help but to feel trapped. I'm being an emo fool. Am I a fraud? Some sort of fakery, a front that conceals, what? The emblem makes most people too uncomfortable to ask, and those who understand it mostly give knowing smiles or compliments, but an actual delving query about what's behind it, why I wear it, and I falter like a stage wall that's no more than a board frame covered with muslin. I've been afraid to look behind it, to see what I really might be. I've done it once before and realised something very shocking about myself. I worked to bring that forward, and in some ways, it's changed my life for the better. In other ways, I'm not sure if I might not be happier having never seen behind that painted surface. I don't think I'm feeling any kind of regret or longing, but I'm quite confused at the moment, like when you exit an elevator on the wrong floor. I want to run back inside, and wait until things are as they should be, so I can get off on the right floor. I'm afraid that there might not be service there, however. It's the thirteenth floor, and it doesn't really exist. Maybe I'm just a maniquin and think I'm real. It's almost schizo, but I know there's a firm reality in place, but maybe I'm unsure if it's the right one. I'm getting nowhere fast by typing this out right now. It could just be the terrible dichotomy of the two people in one body that I'm hearing read to me in The Drawing of the Three right now, and the fabric of that world is peeking through the seam of mine. Mandy is so emo. This too shall pass.

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( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
sacramentalist
Sep. 2nd, 2006 01:30 am (UTC)
I've seen you on puns, and you're a friend of scotia_girl, so I took the initiative to friend you. I hope you don't mind.

One of my local LJ friends is a non-denominational pagan, and is constantly annoyed by people trying to bring her unto their fold. She's quite happy doing her own thing. But doing your own thing can be scary.

Do you often get thrown off by randomness and have a hard time with spontaneity? It sounds like you're over-thinking the situation. I hope the feeling passes soon.
mandydax
Sep. 4th, 2006 09:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks, and I'm returning the friending! ^_^

I'll be okay, I just had a little freak out.
sacramentalist
Sep. 5th, 2006 05:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, and you have Sinfest icons. That puts you up a notch in my book.
mandydax
Sep. 5th, 2006 06:57 pm (UTC)
I make them.

http://pics.livejournal.com/mandydax/tags/sinfest/

Now, coffeeeee zzzz.....
sacramentalist
Sep. 5th, 2006 07:21 pm (UTC)
I make mine, too.
mandydax
Sep. 6th, 2006 12:11 am (UTC)
Someone in sinfest_mod said there should be a community for it. I found one named sinfest_icons, but it seems to be defunct. Maybe when I get home I'll set it up and post in the comm.
sacramentalist
Sep. 7th, 2006 08:21 pm (UTC)
You haven't friended me back yet.

mandydax
Sep. 8th, 2006 12:42 am (UTC)
Ok, I'm having one of those I'm-sure-I-did-that-despite-all-evidence-to-the-contrary moments. :P I just did it, so I hope I really did this time. I'm gonna go check that my car doors are locked like 250 times now. %D
ladypentacles
Sep. 2nd, 2006 04:11 am (UTC)
My darling girl,

I am part of your coven, and all those who I count among my community. We welcome you with open arms, from near or far. You are a sister of the blood, a sister of the heart, a solitary pagan with the weight of so much on her shoulders....

This is part of why I so desperately wished you lived closer. Let Goddess guide you and be your strength: you need not explain your beliefs, your symbols, yourself to anyone. You are no charlatan...you are a precious gift from the universe and I am so blessed to be your friend.

Your "Coven of One" icon helped me through many a difficult day. There is strength in numbers, my dearest, and for every coven there are a thousand solitaries. That doesn't mean you're alone. Even now, in this moment, I am thinking of you, and sending you love.
mandydax
Sep. 4th, 2006 09:28 pm (UTC)
<3 Thank you! I love you, too! Read my latest post. It was mostly a bit of freaking out.

I need to buy more icon space so I can put that one back up.
mandydax
Sep. 4th, 2006 10:48 pm (UTC)
I got the userpix addition thingy. I'm now up to 46, and I put this one back in. ^_^
amherstbelle
Sep. 2nd, 2006 03:53 pm (UTC)
Is it possible that he is also a pagan and was trying to reach out?

Look in your local magic shop for some sort of open Beltane ritual happening. That might give you a chance to see if you like coven practice or want to remain solo.
mandydax
Sep. 4th, 2006 09:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm sure he is. Like all the other -dars I have (transdar, gaydar, bikerdar) I think I have an okay heathendar, and yeah, I'm sure he wouldn't have asked if he weren't. I was just thrown because I didn't really have an answer in mind. Most people look at it and remark, "I didn't know you were Jewish!" e_e Amusing, I suppose, but it made it so that I never thought too much about it. I think next time I'll come back with, "Oh! Am I a good witch or a bad witch? A good witch of course!" ^_^

I've been to a local pagan community thing, tho it was about 10 years ago now. It didn't make me feel too comfortable. Maybe I wasn't ready. My schedule makes for problems, tho.
flower76
Sep. 4th, 2006 01:24 am (UTC)
Miranda...

Are you responding to your own desires for faith and companionship in faith, or are you responding to what you think other people think your faith should be? Because if you've never felt like it was a problem before, and all of a sudden you do, could it be something that you are taking in to yourself just because of what other people think? Just a thought.

**hugs**

I'd like to get together with you sometime this month... what do you think? Are there any times that we might overlap with our free time?
mandydax
Sep. 4th, 2006 09:40 pm (UTC)
I don't think that I really have a faith. I think of myself as an ignorant child, but a stubborn one. I'm not going to take anyone's views as my own just because they say it's true. I fell into that trap when I really was a child and followed what I was told to. If I need to have anything, I need to find it of my own volition. Ironically, this approach seems quite Zen. ~_^

Thanks! I do think that would be a great thing. I didn't feel up to doing much outside the house thise weekend, so probably just as well that you were gone. My schedule sucks: Saturday and Sunday nights are the only nights I get, unless you want to play vampires after 11:30. I almost have to schedule my fun, so let me know.
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )

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