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M is for Miranda who died of ennui...

I'm suffering a weird malady. I feel sad, but not really depressed. I feel listless, adrift, and without purpose. I feel like I want the whole world to change for me and for itself. I feel like I want there to be an easy way to change my consumeristic ways, so easy that everyone can do it, and so cheap that everyone will. After I figured out how much carbon dioxide I put in the air during my trip, it makes me want to sell even my efficient little car and maybe buy a scooter or maybe a hybrid scooter/bicycle. Do they even make those? I feel like the whole world is going down the drain and everyone just enjoys the whirlpool until they drown. I want to have one of those "Eureka!" moments and solve all the world's problems. Maybe just one of the major ones, like how to take the carbon out of carbon dioxide quickly, cheaply, and in massive quantity without causing more environmental damage in the process. I don't ask for much. I also feel almost homesick. It's like going to Colorado was going someplace I'm supposed to be. I've never experienced the spirit of the Earth like that before. I mourn her pain, what we've done to her. I didn't know how beautiful She's supposed to be. Even with the blight of Denver like a swollen tick on Her bosom, I still felt something I hadn't before. It's something that, as an incarnate spirit, I long for. It's simplicity and the beauty of just being, and being in harmony with my environment. It's loving Her because She gave me life and nourished me with the air and water, the flora and the fauna, the ground beneath and the sun above. I've been thinking a lot of Jim Morrison's lyrics, especially the part in "When the Music's Over." "What have we done to the Earth? What have we done to our fair Sister? Ravaged and plundered and ripped her and bit her. Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn. Tied her with fences and dragged her down." Yes, I searched for it, but only to check that I got it right from memory. I did. I'm also despairing at the fact that we are animals, and when our civilization is taken away, we become murderous savages. I hear about the looters and the finders. I hear about how they've become violent, shooting police and others. I guess it's only natural. Only natural. I fear that I'm one of them, deep inside. If my world were torn asunder, if my home and possessions were destroyed, if my friends and family were scattered and maybe lost, would I become one of the Yahoo? Would I kill to keep what little I had managed to scrounge if I thought it would keep me alive, or safe, or healthy? I'm stunned at the price of gas. In the last two days, I've seen it go from $2.599 to $2.699 to $2.899, and finally to $3.099, and that is for the ethanol blend. I've heard rumors of over $4 by the weekend, and seen photos of signs reading over $6. I can't really afford any increases in my expenses, but really, I'm glad. People are less likely to use gas as if it were water when it costs more than milk. The price of everything is going to increase because it takes trucks to get things to the store. Katrina was Her way of slapping our nation, and hopefully, some sense will come with that slap. I can't comprehend the devastation, the lives lost, the lives destroyed, the impact of all the toxicity in New Orleans washing into the gulf. I grieve for the people and Her as well. That's all for now. Don't worry. I'll be okay. I hope we all will be.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
redhook6
Sep. 2nd, 2005 01:38 am (UTC)
The call of the mountains...
I grew up in San Diego, and was dragged to Wyoming when my father retired from the Navy. At the time I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me, but it turns out that I loved the mountains, having four seasons, etc. Sure I missed the oceans and the big city, but all in all I think it was a pivotal moment for me.

And when I was in the Army as a career-track officer, starting to have doubts about whether I really wanted to stay in or not, it was the view of the mountains as I drove up I-25 to visit my family that convinced me I'd be happier as a civilian (I was living in Texas at the time... ugh). I am glad that I ended up in Colorado Springs, which I consider to be one of the nicest areas in the US.

So I can understand the lure of Colorado. Maybe you *are* supposed to be out here.

As far as the hurricane and its aftermath, the situation is enough to make any caring person feel lost and confused. I am glad that in the last few days at work I have been focused on planning support for the hurricane victims for my employer - I don't mind pulling late hours at all when it is for a worthy cause. Come to think of it, I probably need to start composing my own LJ entry on that...
ladypentacles
Sep. 2nd, 2005 05:21 am (UTC)
Take hope my sister. She lives in each of us and in every breath. She reminds us, gently and sometimes not so much, that we are still Her children. Feel the kiss of Her breath on your face, the warmth of Her pulse on your skin, the slickness of Her dew in the grass, the solidity of Her body beneath you. She lives and is alive, right now this minute. Do not despair. Her time will come again; of this I am certain.

You do belong here. I felt it when you were here. It was like no time had passed between us at all; it felt as comfortable as an old sweatshirt, the kind that is well worn-in and soft to the touch. Like me, you are an old soul who is tied to the earth and She calls to you. She will keep calling until you answer Her beckon.

How can I help you find your way home?
amherstbelle
Sep. 2nd, 2005 01:46 pm (UTC)
You should move to Colorado if it felt that right to you. Sometimes you've got to be crazy that way. (Remember - I moved to CA with only 2 suitcases and 5 shipped boxes to see if I could make it myself and to see about this guy. Crazy.)
archanthriel
Sep. 2nd, 2005 02:49 pm (UTC)
Even when things look their darkest, there is always light there somewhere. Sometime you just need to sit down, close your eyes, and wait for them to adjust. When you have accepted the darkness as part of your existence, the light will become clear and visible.
the_ericai
Sep. 2nd, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
It's not as bad as you think
Really,if you step back and take a good look, we're really only causing temporary damage - we're like blackheads and our huge, messy cities and factories are like pimples and zits. It's ugly on the face of things, but won't kill anything too badly in the end. Might leave some scars, but, those wont be remembered in a billion years.

I have traveled all around the world and it makes me realize that I HAVE to live here. This is my home. I was born here and I can never be away from my mountains. I need them too much.
The only other place I've ever been where I thought I could leave peacefully all my days was a little mountain town in Greece. Other than that, yup. I'll be here the rest of my life.
snakewich
Sep. 2nd, 2005 06:03 pm (UTC)
I agree, it is quite sad what has happened to the people in Louisiana, especially in New Orleans. It is quite disheartening how people are becoming violent and stealing.
But like many events in life, there are both positive and negative affects. I have heard that many people are reaching out to each other and helping those who need it so they can all make it through the ordeal, strangers helping strangers.

I know that everyone of us is capable of doing things we never thought we would do under extreme situations, but I still can't believe how people are hurting each other, even those who are only trying to help. I believe that deep down in all of us there are core values that we construct for ourselves, made from all of the experiences and guidance we have had in our lives. I believe that these values would drive us on in such situations, without violence but with some kind of caring tenderness.
Perhaps, I am still a little idealistic.
So no Mandydax, I don't think you would have become one of the Yahoos.

I hope you feel better.
verdanthe
Sep. 7th, 2005 01:04 am (UTC)
I can't even begin to explain the contorted path that led me here.
But - commentary from a complete stranger:
As was pointed out in one of the interviews with the NOLA mayor, some of the crazies with guns are drug addicts. No one's organized emergency drops of heroin etc., so there's a good number of folk whose withdrawal is clouding their (perhaps even previously dim) judgment.
mandydax
Sep. 7th, 2005 03:19 am (UTC)
Wow, you must have gotten lost... :)

I know. It's still sad. I'm feeling much better now that many of the refugees are getting out. My roommate just spent a weekend in Houston on an unrelated vacation, and she couldn't believe all the people that were there from the storm. Almost ¼-million. NOLA had a big, bad, seedy side.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )